Ameri Now at 48 Hours Agin

This is either going to be ultimately good for Ameri to experience all the discomfort and deprivation that she is contending with, or it is going to wear down her physical and mental defenses to the point of no return. Mom, says I am too gloomy about this. It is causing me anguish. I have now had two nights of broken sleep. I take medication just for that. It is being overpowered by the anxiety. I was awake from around two a.m. until first light this morning. I had a headache. I rarely have headaches. Just after first light, I feel off to sleep and had an anxiety dream of being lost on a college campus and in the city streets around the campus. I was walking, then I was driving. I was pulled over by a young arrogant police officer. My anxiety increased because he was charging me with things that I knew that I had not done. When the supervising officer arrived to review things he found some technicality that allowed me to leave without getting citations. Ameri was always delighted when Mom or I would get pulled over by the police. I don't know what she found so amusing but it was always fun for her.

Ameri always seeks out some law enforcement officer when the chips are really down. She is doing it less where she is now because she has strained her welcome. Ameri sees herself as a child of shame. Her birth mother she imagines is either dead or in dire straits. She has no father of record for her first birth certificate. She has seen that birth certificate. She does not respond to shaming language or anything about how grateful she should be. Her life is too full of shame and too many parts are missing. Mom has the ability to talk to her and be a reflective listener. She would have periods of break through. I am best at doing all the no-verbal things. I made sure she had what foods she would eat were prepared and in the refrigerator, ready for the microwave. When she would storm out the door in one of her naughty girl outfits and take off walking, I would follow and shadow her just close enough to keep her in sight. She knew that I was there. If I didn't start out soon enough, she would loiter on her way so that I could catch up. She knew the dangers of the street. She had had enough experience with the leering, wolf whistles and direct request for a little fun some place. She was both appalled and thrilled by that. We would talk about it. Ameri is a very perceptive human being. She is very intelligent. She has almost total recall for details and circumstances. Her interpretation is not always on target but she knows the details. She claims to have memories of her life before her third birthday party. Her descriptions of those memories are too full of detail and timeliness to be fabrications.

The vagaries of mental illness do not always result in taking to the streets for solace. It is in the street, however, where the mentally ill find others like themselves. The only differences are degree, magnitude, and the choice of self medication.